52 Pick Up (7.24.24)
I dropped the ball. I’ve been working on a few big projects at work recently - which, in concert, starved me of mental bandwidth for other things that matter. When I come home emotionally drained, I don’t have much left in the tank for the most important companions in life’s journey: my family. At times in the past, this might have translated into being short, irritable, or in bad cases, irascible.
I’m better at that now, but my new cope seems to be some form of withdrawal complex. Rather than harmoniously engage, I become the opposite of who I should be. I tend to focus on my at-home task list (perhaps doubling down on effective work strategies?); I am subconsciously selective in my listening (perhaps saving fuel for emergencies?); I can be overly playful (perhaps subconsciously signaling I need to recharge?). This adds up to a version of me that is less present, less connected, and less engaged. For short stints, this isn’t a problem. But when work is psychologically taxing for many weeks in a row, it can leave the home team short a starting player.
A recurring theme of my writing is the porosity between our work, home, and personal spheres. In the best circumstances, your best self from your personal life: the caring friend, the doting mom, the supportive neighbor, comes to work with you in the morning, and the work feels less like work and more like purpose. But as recent events showed, these currents can flow both ways - and while in an ideal world only the best would flow, that is not always the case.
Does this happen to you? If so I’d love to hear what helps you - even as I offer up some methods I am experimenting with.
Mindfulness.
Florence has been teaching me about mindfulness, the practice of stopping and intentionally processing what is happening around you. Sometimes this is a way to stop overthinking things. But being present in the moment is also a good way to “reset” from a long day at work and to be thankful that you have transitioned to different surroundings.
Celebration.
It can be easy to take things for granted. But if we remember how we felt in the worst of times, most days offer many things to be grateful for. Three from this past holiday weekend: the rain stopping before a planned hike, a delicious appetizer at a new restaurant, and a plumbing issue that was minor, not major.
Scarcity.
I keep reminding myself that the boys will be in college in the fall. That usually helps me stay focused on a longish narration of a multi-step software hack implemented by kid 1, or not to be impatient when I have to remind kid 2 to do something for the 5th time. There will be a time when the routine becomes rare - so why not treat the perfunctory as precious now?
One of the things I worry about in writing is projecting that I have an enviable life. I treasure the people in my life, but I am in the main grateful in spite of, and sometimes because of, life’s many imperfections. My life is in many ways not perfect. My work can be trying. My efforts to be a good dad and husband often flag. My family is made up real humans, who (thankfully) do not spend the day trying to please me – but with them in constant flux, it’s hard to stay locked on the target of the person I would like to become.
But week by week, I am figuring it out.
How (and what) are you doing?
J
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