Black Eyed Peace (6.26.24)
Swords to plowshares for couples.
The worst part of marriage is the fighting. Disagreement is healthy: a relationship in which you agree on everything is one in which you may learn nothing. But a disagreement that devolves into a fight can be damaging - to ourselves, to the people we love, and our relationships.
Things that should not be said are said.
Things that should be done go undone.
We crave progress, but produce only regret.
Marital disagreements are tricky because they concern all the hard stuff.
Career choices. Where to live. Starting a family.
Spending. Saving. Investing.
In-laws. Kids. In-laws’ kids.
Job loss. Sickness. Tragedy.
Marriage is where doing life meets beast mode, and because we care deeply, we feel strongly. Strong feelings are fertile ground for disagreement, and if we do not manage it well, we fight.
I am blessed with a strong marriage to an opinionated woman, so we do disagree. And while we both still have room to grow, we have worked hard, and learned how, to manage conflict - together. Here are some particularly useful techniques:
1. Fire when ready, not before. Align on whether now is a good time to speak. If it is not, find another time. You both need to be at the table.
2. Assume positive intent. The person you love wants the same thing you do. Happy kids, strong family ties, financial security, a loving home. You may disagree about how to get there, but understand how much in common you share when it comes to the destination. So assume, and behave, as if they are coming at it the same way you are: with the family’s best interests in mind.
3. Listen, play back, then speak. A good rule is to not express your point of view until you can state back the opposing view to your partner’s satisfaction. First, this means you are listening. It also increases the odds of them listening back. Any discussion that is two people talking to themselves quickly breaks down.
4. Know when you are playing games - and stop. Emotional manipulation is destructive. Relationships thrive when partners exercise self-control and act in mutual good faith. Manipulative behavior is a manifestation of self-loathing; we can become tempted to weaponize such feelings by transferring them onto your partner. Don’t. See a therapist. Talk to a friend. Do something, but don’t go there.
5. Hold fast. Good marriages are high mileage vehicles - you’ve travelled many backroads together. There are going to be times when it seems like only you are pulling - but I guarantee there are times it was the other way. Yes, it takes two hands to clap - but all you can do is control the one that’s yours.
What Now?
If you feel stuck, share this article with your partner, pick one technique to try out, and seek compromise on one small thing. If you can get that far, pick another technique and then take it from there. You can do it, together.
J
Love is all there is, it makes the world go ’round
Love and only love, it can’t be denied
No matter what you think about it
You just won’t be able to do without it
Take a tip from one who’s tried.
(Bob Dylan - read more here)
Favor
I have a favor to ask: if you enjoy my writing, please do consider subscribing to Deeply Boring, as well as following me on LinkedIn. I periodically post exclusive content here, and have organized my writing thematically to make it easier for you to search and find relevant content.
Thanks for sharing. Very insightful! Keep the fire burning, bro!