Originally posted on LinkedIn on Nov 16, 2023
November is an emotionally treacherous month for managers. Honest reflection on your own performance, distinguishing over-and under-performers, bonus recommendations, year-end reviews, managing lofty expectations, hand-wringing over flight risk, delivering unpleasant news, disappointing people you care about - no wonder it’s tempting to retreat to the refuge of work.
The source of anguish is the “authenticity gap” between the way we would like things to work and the way it actually works. We like to talk about work as a family, but (thankfully) my wife doesn’t give me written performance feedback. We want to have inclusive workplaces, but it’s hard to feel valued when you are being paid less now because of a ranking exercise. We say people are our most important asset, but merit-based pay signals some are more important than others.
I’m not disputing the value of these practices - not by any means. I want feedback so I can improve; I want to know if I am living up to the standards set by my peers; I would like to be paid more, if my impact deserves it. But these processes can come across as calculating, demeaning, and reductive - hence the inner conflict that arises when managers are called upon to shatter the illusion of the happy story we would like work to be.
I am by no means perfect as a manager. Quite the opposite - I have made enough mistakes to need ample coping strategies to “bridge the authenticity gap”:
1. Make authenticity a year round priority. You can’t fake it in Q4. Own your mistakes. Apologize for harsh words. Don’t take credit your team earned. Don’t pretend you have the answers when you don’t.
2. State your management principles frequently and observe them faithfully. Use them to guide year end decisions and conversations. My core philosophy is simple: how can we work together to make you the best version of yourself?
3. Invest in everyone, indiscriminately. You never know what it takes to activate the amazing. Give lots of second chances. It takes different approaches to bring out the best in people. Don’t let a hard conversation at year’s end be for your lack of trying. You owe them more than that.
Being someone’s boss is an immense privilege. In your hands, the decisions you make every day, how you show up, is the ability to influence a person’s professional and personal success, to make an impact in the world - whether that is as quotidian as feeding the family, as impactful as modeling healthy work habits for children or as radical as curing cancer.
That responsibility is what makes November so hard, and what makes the authenticity gap so awful to face. But if you - if we - take managing as the noble duty it should be, if you really deal with your team members as incredible, precious, individuals…hopefully this paradoxical aspect of being a middle manager becomes easier, and more meaningful, to navigate.
Any tips to share? J