Originally posted on LinkedIn on Dec 5, 2023
How much has my life has been motivated by fear? The answer, regrettably, is “too much”.
Professionally, I enjoy intellectual challenge, debating difficult questions, learning new things, defining problems, and creating solutions. In these, I am motivated by curiosity, the desire to understand, and the joy of figuring things out.
However, I also abhor conflict, have an occasionally unhealthy paranoia about job security, and crave validation. In these, I am motivated by fear: of being disliked, incompetent, or insignificant. Efforts to rationalize my behavior include attribution to two decades of Asian upbringing, in which disagreement is a sign of disrespect; being an immigrant and not having a deep network to fall back on here in America; and trying to live up to peer and family expectations as an (academic) high achiever. Spoiler: I have a more profound (and I think more correct) answer if you care to read on.
The pandemic amplified some of these fears, to the point that I came to be exhausted by it. From late 2020 to mid 2021, I had no energy left to be afraid. I felt suffocated by it. And nothing constructive came of the worry. Alongside this development emerged more questioning: who, or what, could be so good, so pure, so worthy, that their dislike of me, or repudiation of my contribution, or disapproval of my work, really mattered?
A “feel-good” LinkedIn post would offer closure with a sweet anecdote: my internal dialogue emerging from some positive re-imagining of self, the “discovery of the more purposeful remote-work me” or “how more time with my family helped me discover true meaning”. But it would be shambolic to say so. The hard truth is I ascribed meaning to hollow things, and because they are hollow, fear followed, because it is natural (and logical) to fear the unworthy. Is it too Yogi Berra to say “The only thing you can depend on is that you can’t count on it?”
It was (my) folly to put trust in that which is unworthy of trust. [My wife Florence in her wisdom strikes again: “Why are some smart people so stupid?”] And so, my new life without fear (ok, less fear) finds me laying a new foundation, displacing the unworthy and embracing the worthy.
Some of my writings over the past month emerge from examining things that seem to me to be worthy: authenticity, self-awareness, openness, gratitude, forgiveness, belief in people, curiosity, hope, and accountability.
But what do these words really mean and how do they look in practice? Let's find out together: thank you for being a companion on my journey.
J