Odd-Shaped Thanksgiving (11.13.24)
Caution, hot water.
Some of you know my family doesn’t do a “traditional” Thanksgiving. Not that I have anything against turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce – yum. But as immigrants it’s a lot of work for a small family with no relatives to visit us, and the burden falls disproportionately on mom - no matter how hard we try to be helpful. Because, you know, standards.
For nearly a decade, we’ve switched to doing “hot pot” for Thanksgiving, and frankly, it’s amazing. No long lines for pumpkin pie on Wednesday evening. No fridge spilling with leftovers. Nobody at the Asian supermarket competing with you for thin-sliced beef or Korean fishcakes. And everyone can help: set up the pot, boil the water, plate the fish, wash the vegetables. In around an hour we are at the table, eating and having a good time.
This year was supposed to be a little different. The boys were supposed to be away from us, in school. As empty nesters, we looked forward to our freedoms, and to welcoming them back with hugs and smiles. The start of a new chapter, but the hot pot tradition would – as traditions are intended to – provide continuity that cuts through change. As things would have it, life got complicated, and it’s not going to pan out that way. It’s going to be a different, odd-shaped, Thanksgiving, and “hot pot or not” is the least of our worries.
From this vantage point, I offer this as, ahem, food for thought.
1. Burden. For some, hospitality is a burden. It shouldn’t be, but it sometimes is. And there may be limits to what you can change. What worked for us is to ground our tradition in values that matter to us: cultural authenticity and sharing the load. You may have other values to elevate. The key is to hone and sharpen those values so everyone invests in the continuity of holding them close year after year.
2. Boredom. Some of us are bored – or worse, harbor resentment – of our traditions. You may dread the awkward interactions, the disagreement over politics, the triggering behaviors. I feel for you. In our culture, it’s called “Lunar New Year Dinner”. But there is some nonzero chance (as is the case for us) that you may have an odd-shaped Thanksgiving next year. Given this, consider showing up differently this year. You could be the force that binds. You could help make peace. You could make it your mission to make it less dreadful for someone who might be dreading it more than you. Don’t rue the lost opportunity.
3. Bravery. Thank you to the many of you who have reached out to express concern and support. Your encouragement means so much. What we are going through is a genuine struggle, but it is a small thing compared to what many other people have to contend with. Knowing this gives me hope. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful that through difficulty I have the opportunity to grow. The future is uncertain, but with a rod and staff to comfort me, I am unafraid.
J