Originally posted on LinkedIn on April 9, 2024
Recently, parenting has emerged as a recurring topic in conversations with friends and colleagues.
For starters, it’s college decision season in the US, with all the jitters, highs and lows that brings. And last week, I met with my alumnus leadership to discuss challenges facing low income university students.
Soberingly, a student death at Ben’s college sparked painful sharing on the school's parent Facebook group. Childhood friends are wrestling with how to best support the differentiated ways their children learn. Other friends feel overwhelmed juggling the demands of a young family and workplace responsibilities. Some friends said goodbye to their parents.
My own parenting journey reflects similar ups and downs - a stumbling rhumba of missteps and utterly accidental grace. I am blessed to have an amazing partner and devoted co-parent in Florence, and boys who see I am earnestly always trying to do better. I love my family. And I know you love yours, so I hope these observations encourage you to stay strong and true.
1. Parenting is not easy - for anyone. Struggling is the norm. Stating this does not alleviate your burden, but it may help to know you are not alone. If you are willing to be vulnerable about this, my hope is you find support from, and can provide support to, a fellow traveller.
2. Work comes second. To the last, when the glass breaks, we all prioritize family above work (or regret failing to). Because your affection, encouragement and guidance will never mean as much to someone at work as they do to your child. The same goes for unkind thoughts, actions and words. We all know this. We do not always know what it means to live it, but we should try.
3. Parenting is not a sport: you cannot win at it, and if you are trying to, you are missing the point. Raising children is in part a struggle against the world, in part a struggle against self, and an ongoing negotiation with your co-parent, if you have one. Daily goals: patience, grace in speech, resilience.
4. Embrace the inevitability of resentment and self-chastisement. You will wonder "why am I doing this"? You will marvel at their inflexibility and ingratitude. You will be stunned and ashamed that you just said, did or thought that. Don’t let it consume you. But find a way to authentically work it through.
In “Beautiful Boy”, written for Sean, Lennon laments: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”. Don’t let the tribulations of parenting distract you from its nobility. For a parent, even the most mundane thing is ultimately done out of love, and there are precious few responsibilities in this world in which the mundane is lovely.
May love overflow, through you, to your children, or your parents, this week.
J