On Patience (10.23.24)
Be still, and know.
I’m not known for my patience.
I tend to like things done “my way and yesterday” — an approach which correlates with traits such as diligence and competence. We (myself included) can erringly consider such attributes as virtues; indeed they are often present in individuals who achieve professional or financial success.
But psychologists rightfully consider such traits as mere descriptors — whether they result in positive or negative effects depends on the context in which they manifest and our ability to exercise self-control over them. Negative effects, for example, can sometimes result from prioritizing achieving outcomes over other considerations, such as evaluating how others might approach the matter, taking time to understand their feelings, and gauging their buy-in. I’ve written about impatience before (see Second Chances) but my recent family challenges (see Difficult, Daze) provided a fresh perspective.
In the course of these struggles, a long “to do” list emerged from conversations with the medical professionals and caretakers in our care circle. Particularly at the height of my stress, the urge to work through this “checklist” — to hit it hard — was overwhelming. My strung-out and short-circuited brain was stuck in “do mode” — falsely believing that the more I did, the sooner we would be relieved of our difficulties.
The journey that led me to start Deeply Boring involved becoming more cognitively aware of when I lapse into such states of functioning. Though I am still cultivating this capacity, I was able to observe — through internal examination and the reactions of those around me — that this was happening.
In response, I set aside quiet time for contemplation. I asked for the strength to submit to my circumstances and for compassion and wisdom, in order to love those around me in spite of my own anxiety. But I also started asking for patience: to endure events beyond my control; to believe that being present does just as much, if not more than, taking action; to understand that this is not time wasted but can be opportunity presented.
I suspect there are other lessons which I have yet to internalize more deeply. I sense that to be patient is to relent to a greater authority than myself; to be less transactional in why and how I choose to do things; to surrender the idea that I am defined by what I can achieve or fix.
Patience is not passively letting time pass — that’s just waiting. To be patient is to intentionally delay action in order to create space to observe, to listen, to consider, to bring alongside, and to seek wisdom. This then informs how, and when, we act.
Well, at least that’s the working hypothesis for now.
J