Burdens of the Beast (3.5.25)
The Paradox of Agency, Part II
Last week, I wrote about the paradox of agency: how our freedom to choose often leads us to a place in which we become saddled with obligations and expectations - burdens. The title of the post, “Beast of Burdens” alludes to the many things that can weigh us down. This week, I would like to explore these further, to better understand the “burdens of the beast”.
In my life, I encounter burdens that derive from expectations of self, expectations of others, and expectations of the world at large. Each has a unique pathology, but, I would venture, a common root.
My expectation of self is grounded in ambition. What can I achieve? Am I capitalizing on my opportunities? How can I improve my circumstances? Sometimes this has a materialistic (station and salary) aspect, but it doesn’t have to. It could be my self-image (shed those pounds!) or a passion project (hit that milestone!). But what happens when I fall short? In my rumination, disappointment and admonition butt heads:
I failed.
»Pick yourself up!
I’m not sure how.
»Failure is the best teacher!
There is certainly nothing wrong with a pep talk and self-belief. But all striving for self assumes that I am a responsible custodian of my own agency. And given the paradox of agency, how sure can I be that what I seek is actually good for me?
My expectations of others are more complicated. They could involve projection: seeing as how I’m helping you, shouldn’t you be doing it my way? Other times, reciprocity: I did that for you, but you can’t do that for me? Whether such expectations lean towards the transactional (“I deserve that raise!”) or the relational (“I feel under-appreciated!”), they skitter viciously down the slope of resentment when I don’t receive what I feel I am entitled to. No, don’t be a doormat: boundaries matter, and some relationships are toxic. But even in healthy relationships, there is irresistible self-orientation: ultimately, this needs to be working for me, and when it’s not, I can become embittered.
What we expect from the world at large varies from person to person, but most of us share some common ground: that it is predictable (e.g. if I work hard I will experience success), that it is fair and equitable (e.g. an absence of discrimination), and that people in charge are competent and ethical. But the world does not work this way. That’s why there is so much anger: in our homes, on college campuses, in town squares, at work. But like other forms of expectation, the pathology mechanism is still inwardly-directed. I am most energized when the world fails to meet my expectations. When it fails to meet yours, not so much.
For all manner of expectations, I – the beast – am the common denominator. This insight allows me to expound on the paradox of agency: in orienting expectations around myself, I subjugate myself to my desires. My desires master me – and not the other way around.
How can we be free of this? I’ll share some ideas next week.
-J
Holy smoke - the dude on the rock has his hands in his pockets?!?!